144.5 pounds

That's a bit better. But I'm slipping. Retreating into my Ed. I practically recovered. But I need to be thin.

I've been trying to recover. It went well for a while. Until I started getting really fat.
I stabilized at 138 for a long time. Sometimes it was 140. I was okay with that. I went up to 144. I was scared at first, but I was getting happier. My hair was growing back. I had energy.
Then christmas came and I went up to 148. Then 151. Now, 154.
.......
I kind of want to kill myself. I feel terrible.

So here I am.
154
Waist 27
Hips 38
Thigh 22

I'm so ashamed. I don't know what to do. I want to recover and love myself however I am. Whatever I weigh. I'm trying. And failing.
I want to be 140 again.

Stats

Per whyeats sudden and serious ban on all stats, especially in signatures, i will keep mine here. They arent really changing much recently because i binge/starve practically all the time which just makes my weight fluctuate up and down the same damn two pounds constantly.

Hieght: 6 feet 0 inches (1.82 meters) Yes im a gigantic beast. No its not fun. I hate it. I will explain why in a post eventually, but i have good reasons.

Age: Just turned 17

High weight: 170 ish (12.14 stones). Very terrible, very fat, makes me want to cry when i look at pictures of myself then. I ate like a piggy all the time, because well, i liked food. It tastes good. It makes you feel good. So i ate. Then, suddenly i woke up one day and realized, shit, you really are a fat fat fattie. You really arent skinny anymore. Time to change that. So i did.

Stable weight (weight i generally stayed at forever as long as i wasnt stuffing myself constantly): 162 (11.57 stones)

~ ~(ironically, my wii fit tells me my ideal weight is 162! How funny? I guess our bodies really do know whats best for us!) ~ ~

Low weight: 134.2 (9.58 stones), still felt too big - not fat, but not skinny enough yet!

Current weight: 136 (9.71 stones), my own fault. I binge when i get high, and ive been getting high too much >.<

Goal weight: 130 (9.28 stones). But im kindof on this 'recovery' kick, which doesnt go well with weightloss! GAH.

Ultimate goal: Just be undeniably thin. I want to be thin enough that its not a question, that obviously nobody could ever call me anything but thin. I dont want to have to question my own status anymore, not wonder what i look like, not wonder if im skinny, but just know. I dont want to be normal, not toned, but thin.

Measurements:

Chest: 34in or 86cm. So sad! My boobies shrunk! Was 36/37 before :(
Waist: 25.5 (more like 28 if i binge though! Ugh!)
Hips: 36in or 90cm. I love my hips, i think theyre perfect. Just curvy enough for a nice shape but not big enough to give me a pear shape.
Thigh (widest point) 20in or 50.8cm. I also like my legs, theyre pretty skinny and dont really touch anymore when i walk! (But i still dont have that beautiful obvious gap......) Id like them to be slimmer, of course (never to skinny!)

Thats all :)

It's only a Test.

Testing.
Testing.
One two three.
Testing. Testing.
Can anybody hear me?

Testing. Testing.
A. B. C.
Do not panic.
Do not flee.
It's only a test.
This is not my reality.

Testing. Testing.
You. Her. Me.
Testing. Testing.
Did it work this time?
Am I finally pretty?
Testing. Testing.
No. Not yet. Not nearly.

Testing.... Testing....... Testing..............